Not another bunch of Omakes
by Drackner Clawrus
Summary: Inspired by the fact that my friends tell me I am insane I am posting my own innovitive omake ideas on HP, all are completely diffrent and SA but hopefully you will enjoy them. If not then flame and complain.
1. The Talking Snake

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, J.K. Rowling does, I am not making any money off this fic, just having fun messing around with Harry Potters Life and trying to make people laugh as all of us have been dazzled by the amazing humour of some of the better Harry Potter omakes in the past. I am aware that most of my fics are crap but I try not to let that get to me and as I am taking a English Language/Literature course I should improve over the course of the next two years.

Harry Potter and the Talking Snake.

What could have happened in the Chamber of Secrets If (Gryffindor) Harry was trying to break his gift of Parseltongue gently to the school. Well as gentle as a Gryffindor can anyway.

-0-0-0-

"I'll give you ten galleons for the snake."

"I won't take more than twenty five Potter." Drawled a relaxed voice with a hint of amusement.

"Oh come on I bet someone else will manage to summon another talking snake eventually, oh fine fifteen galleons." A young and eager voice answered.

"Well it is a _talking_ snake Potter its rather rare and valuable."

"Hey if its so valuable why are you charging me such a low price for it?"

"You know Potter your absolutely right."

"I am?"

"yep."

"Really?"

"oh absolutely, I couldn't possibly take anymore than say…. 250 galleons for it." Answered the voice smugly.

"WHAT!!" and outraged voice yelled, hugging his new soon-to-be pet to his chest.

"Well you made me see that I can get a much better price elsewhere and – "

"No, No, No, NO!" Snakey is mine!

"Your going to name a snake Snakey?"

"yeah. What's wrong with that?"

"…"

"Malfoy. You alright?"

"I'm not even going to dignify that with a response."

"Okaaay. Look how much do you want for the Snake? I'll go 150. That's my final offer."

"Fine. I'll take my wares elsewhere."

"…"

"It means I'm not selling _Snakey_ the _talking_ snake to you for that much."

"Why did you keep doing that with your fingers?"

"Doing what with my fingers?" A voice asked with absolute fake innocence voiced within it.

"You know, " " That."

"Don't worry about it Potter. Now did you want the Snake or not?"

"Fine. See if I care." The boy turned around and began to walk to the edge of the platform.

"Potter."

"What?"

"Your still holding the Snake."

"…"

"Did you think I wouldn't notice."

"…………………………………………………… no."

"Give it here Potter."

"Noooooooo, I'll pay the full price just don't take Snakey from me!"

"…"

"What?"

"Potter your weird."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"oh yes you are."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No and Snakey says so too."

"Potter he's not even hissing at you."

"Why would he hiss? He's a talking Snake."

"… Never mind Potter, I expect the money transferred to my account now." Turning to the stunned Professor Snape standing on the duelling platform behind him. " "Sir do you have Goblin overdraft forms on you that we can borrow?"

"Yes.. Draco… I do….."

"Thanks Professor."

"Lets sign this up then, Potter."

"Okay. Sure. But then Snakey's mine right?"

"…"

"Just put a drop of blood here and sign the amount for transfer Potter." A very agitated Malfoy ordered as Professor Snape conjured up a table for them to work on.

Happily the boy-who-lived signed away Two hundred and fifty galleons for a _talking_ snake.

-0-0-0-

The audience around the platform had parted easily as the boy-who-lived-be-apparently-retarded had walked away. No one accused him of being evil, no one voiced any evil thoughts, bar that maybe he'd been around Hagrid to long. Then one Huffelpuff spoke up "Hey now we know how he defeated He-who-must-not-be-named."

"huh" A number of the audience stated puzzled.

"The Dark lord must have taken one look at him and been scared away by the weirdness."

Slowly the audience began to agree.

"Yeah I bet he's right, he must have been going _"pretty green light, pretty green light"_ all the time." Another one said.

"but still for the all-powerful heir of Slytherin that's pretty weak."

"Do not insult the Dark Lord."

"What are you a Death Eater?"

"…"

"Flint your not right?"

"………………..no."

-0-0-0-

Meanwhile Harry was back in his common room congratulating himself on his brilliant an innovative gamble that had paid off. He was not thought to be evil, his friends would still be talking to him and he'd made the rest of the school get an image of him that would cause him to underestimated for the rest of his school days giving him a secret advantage if he got into a dual where the opponent new what they were doing.

So what if he had to fling out a couple hundred galleons for an ordinary snake. In his mind it was well worth it. Now he just had to work out how to keep Hermione from rumbling his brilliant plan.

-0-0-0-

In the Owlery Draco Malfoy was smugly sending a letter to his father that would inadvertently cause his father to underestimate Harry in a dual causing his own demise and that of his sons. The letter depicted how Draco's quick thinking had outwitted the famous Harry Potter **and** gained Draco Two hundred and fifty extra galleons.

Un-aware of the future that awaited him Draco Malfoy happily posted the keys to his doom.

-0-0-0-0-

I'm not sure if overdraft is the right word, it might have been cheque but I'll stick with it for now.


	2. The Dead Troll

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter and the Philosphers Stone, J.K. Rowling does, I am not making any money off this fic, just having fun messing around with Harry Potters Life and trying to make people laugh as all of us have been dazzled by the amazing humour of some of the better Harry Potter omakes in the past. I am aware that most of my fics are crap but I try not to let it get to me, just read and laugh either at my poor writting or at the fics content itself.

* * *

Harry Potter and the Dead Troll

-0-0-0-0-

"You know they really should be more careful when writing the rules on spells you know."

"Harry that wasn't a spell it was a curse. More than that it was **the** _**killing curse**_!"

"Well I'd like to see you take down a troll with only Wingardium Leviosa at your disposal. What was I meant to do knock it out with its own club or something?"

"…"

"Hey wait that would have been a good idea."

"Harry I can't believe you."

"Oh don't worry mione, it can't hurt us any more."

"…

Why are you glaring at me like that?"

"Mione?"

"Well yeah its your name but…. Shortened, makes it easier to say."

"Alright…. Oh and Harry the reason the Troll can't hurt us anymore is **its **_**dead**_."

"I still don't see why this is so much of a problem for you, besides you already told me that its only illegal when used on humans, and last time I checked Trolls aren't classified as humans. Besides it was the only spell I knew that might take down a Troll, if it took down my parents in one shot then why wouldn't it work on a Troll. And Whilst we're on the subject all _spells_ can kill people. If I levitated that Troll off a cliff and dropped it not only would it kill whoever it landed on but I'm pretty sure it would die too."

"… I think I can see why people avoid you Harry."

"What do you mean?"

"Surely you've noticed that you only have Ronald as a friend."

"Yeah what's wrong with that I've never had a friend before."

"…"

"Hermione why are you going teary-eyed? Why are you walking like that and ….. ack."

"Don't worry Harry I'm here for you."

"_Hermione can't breath…. oxygen going…. suffocating now….. let go…… please….. " hey every things going black……_

* * *

-0-0-0-0-

I thought it was funny.

Oh wait I'm the author of this fic, of course I thought it was funny.

**Note: **This is a SA fic its sepperate from my others as it is a collection of oneshots mainly based on the original HP verse.


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